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My True Calling Is Killing Babies(And the Story of the Best Few Days of My Life.)
By Redphantom Xenpsychous
I woke up that morning at 5:47 after performing in one of Teaspoon's music videos the night before. I went off to do what I always do at
that time of the morning, to take a dump while preparing my morning coffee with the coffee maker I have right next to the toilet and
writing songs about women I know's erotic body parts. I was eager to begin writing belly button lint, a song in innuendo about a blue
haired woman's vagina. That's when I noticed that the bathroom door was closed. I was pissed because I had given the, "I shit every
day at 5:47 in the morning damn it!" speech to all of my roommates at least eight times. And, besides that, Teaspoon had made me
dress up like a clansman for his video, but he didn't tell his black costars what I was going to play, so they thought I was with the
KKK. I had been shot forty three times the night before. I banged on the door of the bathroom until 5:57, until water began to leak out
from under the door. That's when I decided to kick the door down.
What I found inside was horrifying. My roommate, Terry was on the floor in an inch of water from the overflowing toilet with a pickle up
his ass masturbating. Naturally I immediately said, "What the hell are you doing, Terry?"
"I just can't take it anymore." Terry replied, "I'm committing suicide."
I balled my hand into a fist and gritted my teeth, "You're committing suicide by masturbating while having a pickle stuck up your
"No..." Terry said, "No, I drank an entire bottle of Listerine about ten minutes ago, I'm waiting for it to kick in. I
figured, while I did, I might as well go out with a bang." Terry then gave me a wide smile and winked at me.
I rolled my eyes at him, "If you wanted to go out with a bang, why didn't you just do autoerotic asphyxia?"
Terry shrugged, "Listerine seemed less painful."
"Listerine won't even kill you, you stupid motherfucker." was my reply.
Terry frowned, "It says not to drink it on the label..."
I nodded, "Yes, because it's bad for you, not because it will kill you. Unless you drink a lot of it. Alcoholics kill themselves
with it...when they overdose on it after their family takes their real alcohol away." I paused, then added, "It has alcohol
There was a pause, and then Terry said, "It sounds like you don't even care that I almost committed suicide."
"No, I don't." were the words that came out of my mouth before I could stop myself, "What the fuck did you do to the
Terry laughed, "Before I died, I wanted to write down all my sins and all the bad things that have happened to me on toilet paper,
that way I could flush them away."
My mouth dropped open before the words came out, "I hate you." I paused, "If the water from the toilet ruined my.."
I paused and scanned the bathroom with my eyes, "Where the fuck is my coffee maker?"
Terry grinned, "Funny story, I sold your coffee pot and Teaspoon's CDs so that I could afford to pay for my last meal."
My blood pressure raced, "You." I had to pause to find the words, "You were going to be dead, why did you need to steal
money to pay for it? It doesn't matter if you blow your life savings anymore."
"I don't want to die as a poor man, Red." was Terry's response.
I drove my fist straight into the wall, "God damn it, I don't have any coffee and you used all the Listerine. How the hell am I
supposed to have sparkling clean teeth now?"
Terry gave me a condescending look, "You don't understand how depressed I am right now, Red. Sometimes, I'll go into the kitchen
for water or something, and I'll stare at the refrigerator and I'll think to myself, 'You know, if I wanted, I could just tip this
refrigerator over on myself, and then it could all just be over right now.'"
"Then why don't you do that?" I said, "At least that would be funny."
Terry frowned, "You know, it hurts my feelings that you don't seem to care whether or not I live or die, Red."
I squinted my eyes at him, "Then go kill yourself Terry, just go somewhere and die."
"Actually, after my botched suicide attempt, I've decided I want to live." said Terry, cheerfully.
I shook my head and said, in a low voice, "No, you kill yourself right now." I walked up to a drawer, took out a razor blade
and put it right into Terry's hands, "Slit your motherfucking throat, right now, you lost the right to live when you decided to be
Terry laughed, "What are you going to do if I don't do it? Kill me?"
"Yes," I replied in monotone, "I will get a bear from a pet shop, and then I will feed you to it unless you kill
yourself right now."
Terry laughed, "Come on, you expect me to believe that? They don't even sell bears as pets."
I sighed, "Yes, they do. My stepfather at the time got me a pet bear for my third birthday." I frowned, "And then, on my
sixth birthday, he forced me to kill it. He said I needed the experience of caring for something like a child and having to kill it,
just in case I had step children one day. He said that I would always need to be ready to kill them, because they're always trying to
kill you. I told him that I wasn't trying to kill him, and then he screamed at me to stop lying to him. He told me if I kept lying, he
would cook me in the oven and eat me."
Terry paused, "Do you have a mother?"
"What the fuck kind of question is that?" I snapped, "Of course I have a mother."
Terry looked shocked, "What was she doing while all this was going on."
"What do you think she was doing?" I replied, "She was sitting there and watching with no expression of emotion on her
face at all." I paused, "Later she did explain to me that was all because he was sick with alcoholism and he couldn't stop
drinking. This was in the car when we were in the car fleeing from my stepfather behind us, who was holding a rake, and she was driving
with a black eye, bruises, and tears streaming down her face." I paused again, "Her explanation really helped me out. It made
me feel a lot better about what was going on." I paused, "No really, it did."
Terry frowned, "That's sad, you never told me about that before."
I looked up at the ceiling, "Yeah, I don't like to talk about all that."
"Do you want me to hug you?" Terry replied, "Is that why you told me that? Do you need a hug?"
My blood pressure spiked, "No, I told you about that because you are about to die." There was a moment of complete silence,
"Now, take the razor blade and slit your motherfucking throat."
Terry gave me a sad, apologetic look, "Can I shower first?"
"What?", was my natural response.
Terry sighed, "Look, my mother always told me that if I was going to go to hell, I should go when I am clean. So, can I take a
I rolled my eyes, "Fine, but if you're not dead when I get home, I'm going to buy a bear and feed you to it." I left the room
after saying this and proceeded to leave the house. As soon as I got out the front door, I started to think about how stupid it was of
me to grant Terry his request. I had a strong feeling that Terry would still be alive when I got home. So I started going over the costs
of buying a bear in my mind and how I was going to afford it, the mental image of my hands handling several plastic tubes filled with
silver coins and moving various coins to other tubes and rearranging them as I did.
I looked at my watch, 6:09, and I still hadn't gone to the bathroom yet, so I stopped at the nearest gas station. I went up to their
bathroom which had a sign on it that said, "Out of Order." I turned around and went to leave the store, passing two men on my
way, one of whom stopped me.
I turned to the man and he said, "There's a porto potty outside that you can use if you really have to go."
I smiled at my sudden luck when the guy standing next to him said, "Dude, that's sick, don't make him go in the porto potty."
"What's wrong with it?" I asked.
The man who had warned against me using the porto potty said, "Well, our buddy Darrell just held in his feces for one month, thirty
days, for charity." As the man said that, a little cartoon ran in my mind of a unhealthy looking man crotched over in pain grabbing
his ass and holding it shut, with drunken college kids surrounding him egging him on. The man continued what he was saying as my cartoon
went on, "And well, after the month was over, he ran into the porto potty and let it all out. So, that porto potty is full of shit."
In my mental cartoon, a digital timer reaches zero and lets off a sound, the unhealthy looking man lets go of his ass and runs into the
porto potty. There is a jet engine type sound mixed with farting noises and the sound of an earthquake when he gets in as the ground
I paused for a moment pondering this idea before saying, "That doesn't sound so bad."
The man who gave me the warning nodded, "Yeah, except for the fact that they spun the porta potty around about 72 times to
celebrate Darrell's victory."
I pictured in my mind what the inside of the porta potty must look like. When I got in, it was worse than I could have possibly
imagined. By the time I did my business and got out, a group of frat boys with camera phones had appeared. I suggested to them that they
caption their photos, "No, he has not been mud wrestling, and yes, that is a porta potty behind him." as I walked off. As I
walked further down the street, I let it sink in how the filth was all over my body. And the only part of me it didn't get into were the
orifices of my body protected by clothing and my mouth because it was closed...except, my mouth was still filthy because fucking Terry
took all my god damn Listerine.
I decided that at least one part of me was going to be clean, so I was going to make a quick stop at Walmart. I felt uncomfortable when
I got there and saw the scores of people where there. I felt even worse when I walked in and alarms went off and I was informed I had
violated Walmart's new no feces in the store policy. It got even worse when they cleaned me off with fire hoses and stole my clothes.
Then they gave me a bathrobe and sandals to wear.
Now, I know my reasoning for going to Walmart was so that one part of me could be clean, and after being hit with fire hoses, I was
pretty clean, but god damn it, after all of that, I was going to get my Listerine. I made my way to the part of the store where the
Listerine was kept, being careful to take the route to avoid the most amount of people as I went there. As I finally came upon a huge
mountain of stacked Listerine bottles of various flavors, it exploded. Then people wearing pig noses and surgical masks ran out and
surrounded the area where the Listerine had been. One of them came out in front of the rest of the group with a megaphone and started
yelling about how having all of these people together at Walmart was aiding the spread of swine flu and how we should all just go home.
This caused all of the Walmart shoppers to go into a panic. As I stood there and watched all of these people go crazy over nothing, I
couldn't help but think about how there were very few cases of fatal swine flu, and how it hadn't even reached this area yet, or
infected more than 1% of the population. I couldn't help but think about how these people weren't even being smart about Swine Flu,
they were just panicking, needlessly. For just a moment, I allowed the thought that I wished I could live in a sane world dominated by
logic, reason, and rational thought to dominate my mind. For just a second, I felt like a small child, thinking that same thought as he
stared up into the dark at the ceiling as he listened to his stepfather beat the fuck out of his mother. "Never going to happen."
I thought to myself as an answer to both thoughts. Then I left the store.
On the streets, I looked down at my watch and realized that I didn't have the time to walk to work. Thus, I decided to use a pay phone
to call a taxi service. The woman working the phones gave me an unpleasant surprise when she said, "I'm sorry sir, there are no
taxis currently available due to the hippopotamus conference."
"What?" I asked after she said that.
The woman sighed and said slowly, "The world's biggest conference of hippopotamuses takes place today in Greenefield, Missouri.
Therefore the world's hippopotamus association, that's an association to represent hippopotamuses around the world, they have rented
out all the taxis in town in order to get hippopotamuses to the conference."
"That doesn't even make sense." was my reply, "Is it April Fool's Day?"
The woman said, "Life doesn't make sense, and it isn't April Fool's Day, don't you watch the news?"
I squinted my eyes, "Why is it that every time someone says something is blank, the standard response is to say that life is
"Hey, don't take out your anger on me because you don't know about a regional holiday. Ok sir? I'm just trying to do my job, so
drop the sarcasm, ok?" the woman snapped.
I paused for a moment and then said, "Well, I'm not really being sarcastic, just being philosophical..."
"I'm not here to argue with you, sir..." the woman screeched into the other line, "I'm just here to answer your
\questions, ok, sir?"
I sighed and touched my hand to my forehead, "Look, I'm going to be late for work unless I get a cab, so if you could just send
The woman snorted, "Oh yeah, well, life is going to be late for work unless it gets a cab, deal with it!"
I couldn't help but laugh at this, "What the fuck? That doesn't make any sense. At least you saying life doesn't make sense made
"I will hunt you down and kill you and use your hair as a xerox machine!" the woman screamed hysterically into the phone.
After holding the phone away from my face and having my mouth be wide open, I put the phone back up to my ear and said, "Look, I
have cancer, and I really need to go work to..." I paused to think of some bullshit to say next, "pay my medical bills."
"Oh yeah? Well life has cancer and has to get to work to pay medical bills. Deal with it!" came the blaring sound of the
woman's voice from the telephone before she hung up.
I stared at the phone for a few minutes in disbelief before hanging it up and proceeding to sprint down the sidewalk. I sprinted for a
few blocks before a giant zeppelin descended from the sky and blocked the road ahead of me.
A man stuck his head out of the zeppelin, pointed at me, and shouted, "Hey you!" I stood there gasping for air from my
sprinting, "Yes you!", the man continued as he jumped out of the zeppelin, doing a few flips before landing right next to me.
The man smiled at me, "Are you wearing a bathroom and sandals? Did you just try to call for a taxi and wound up talking to a crazy
bitch? Are you in need of Listerine? Has your toilet overflowed recently?" He paused as a mentally cursed before saying, "Buy
I instantly turned around and started to walk away upon hearing this man say that. Then the man said, "Don't walk away. If you
walk away from this deal, you shall be hit by a train, and your seed will spawn only toads." the man paused and added, "You
should listen to me, my great grandmother's aunt's best friend's romantic rival was a witch...I'm magic."
I stopped and took off my sandals, then I ran up to the man and beat the fuck out of him. After that, I ripped the straps off of my
sandals, tied them together, and tied them around the man's neck to cut off his air supply. As the man tried desperately to get the
sandal straps off of his neck, I said, "You have shown intricate knowledge of activities in the past few hours." I paused,
"You may either stalk me or try to sell me something, not both."
I started going through the man's pockets, pulling out all the contents, plastic flowers, dice, a deck of cards, whoopee cushions, a
lottery ticket, plastic cups, keys, a white rabbit, a top hat, matches, a hack saw, $5.67 in spare change, latex gloves, and some empty
candy wrappers. I threw everything to the ground except for the keys and the matches. Then, matches and keys in hand, I dragged the
salesman to his zeppelin and slammed him against it. He fell forward of course, and when he did I used the keys to cut the zeppelin
open, spewing it's gas on him. Hoping that the zeppelin was powered by hydrogen instead of helium, I lit one of the matches, threw it in
the path of that gas, and hauled ass away from the zeppelin. It's a good thing I did, because instantly the balloon caught on fire.
Small children came out to watch the burning spectacle that had engulfed the once safe street outside of their homes. One of the
children asked me, "Did you just kill that guy?"
I smiled, "No, because he's magic, but I am fairly confident he will never try to sell me anything again." Then I walked
away, and despite the fact that I was wearing a bathrobe, I felt a little bit like Clint Eastwood. I thought about how that line would
be good for a cowboy-type character, and I started thinking about what that would be. I also thought about how I could get to my place
of employment now. There was a path, but it went through the bad part of town. I decided to risk it.
And, it turned out, on part of my path to work, two gangs were having a gang war spanning eight city blocks. I thought more about my
cowboy character as I dodged the bullets from the gang warfare. I thought about how it would be cool if he rode back into town after
being in self imposed exile. A mafia leader offers him a job, and the cowboy tells him that he only came back to town to kill him.
Throughout the story, leading up to the big clash between the cowboy and the mob, you realize that the cowboy is actually a very noble
man, and only became an outlaw because he was shunned by a twisted society after he tried to expose a great social injustice. The story
would end with the cowboy taking on the entire mafia, killing the mob boss, emerging victorious, and then promptly dying afterwards.
That's the ultimate happy ending to a story, I firmly believe this.
Thinking about all of this seemed to make the long journey to work go by much faster. Before I knew it, I was in the parking lot
watching one of my friends with all of his belonging in a box, packing them into his car. He looked up at me, "You were late Red,
so you didn't get employee of the month."
"Only this once..." I said and added, "and I think I have a pretty good reason for being late."
My friend looked around and then said, "I can't talk now, or else they're going to peel off my skin, put creamed corn underneath,
pull back the skin over it and sew it back on again."
I walked away in silence upon hearing this. When I got into the office, I saw a terrifying spectacle which no one should ever have to
see, fat Dan completely naked except a headdress and a goat penis where his should be dancing flanked by eight coworkers standing in
front of a cage containing the management. Dan laughed manically as I walked in, "You were late Red, so now I get to be employee of
The management grabbed the bars of their cage, "Please help, he's employee of the month so he gets to run the office for a day, so
he locked us up and he's been..."
"Silence slaves." came the noise of Fat Dan's high pitched faggoty voice.
"I told you letting the employee of the month run the office for a day was a bad idea." I sighed, "Ok Dan, just because
you are employee of the month doesn't mean you can lock people up and subject them to torture. Let them out." Fat Dan just stood
and glared at me, so I looked to his minions flanking him, "Come on guys, let the management out."
One of the minions spoke in monotone with a blank expression on his face, "But, we have to listen Dan the tormentor, for he has a
"No, that's a goat penis." I explained.
One of the other minions spoke with the same dull voice and blank expression, "How could you possibly know that?"
"Because I sent it to him." I exclaimed, "On Father's Day, addressed from his three year old son who lives with his ex
wife in Wisconsin." I paused and then added, "I sent it because I hate him."
"Why would you hate Dan the Tormentor?" One of his other minions gasped in disbelief, "I love Dan."
I looked at Dan, "Are these people drugged?"
Dan replied, "These people's minds have been opened to the fact that they are my children and I am their sick twisted uncle who
will help them set off firecrackers in the neighbors mailbox as they feed me apple pie."
"Yeah," I sighed, "I'm not going to be drinking from the office coffee pot today."
Dan walked up to me, leaned his head close to mine, and whispered, "I have a new assignment for you, Red."
I moved away from Dan before asking, "What is that?"
Dan moved closer to me, "You can't decline because if you do, you'll be fired."
I replied, "Go to hell Dan, there are some things I won't do. I don't care if I get fired."
"You shall work in quality control." Dan yelled at me.
"That," I paused for a moment before saying, naively, "That doesn't sound so bad."
Dan showed me into the quality control room. Which was normally the conference room. Now it was completely empty except for a projector
and a movie screen. The projector started up and began to display gay porn and I shouted, "Come on, we don't even sell porn."
Dan's response came at once, "You shall work overtime!"
For twelve hours I was locked in that conference room and forced to watch gay porn. I don't think I would have ever escaped except for
the fact that the management managed to break free and take back control. They busted me out before informing me that they were doing a
company wide pay cut due to the bad economy. They also told me that I wasn't really working that day, so I wouldn't get overtime.
As I tried to leave the building, having impaired motor function from the traumatic experience I just went through when one of the
secretaries warned me, "All of the routes from here to your house are blocked, except for one. And it was the subject of a deadly
crash of eighteen milk trucks carrying milk in old fashioned glass bottles. So, the whole street is littered with broken glass, milk,
and rabid cats." The secretary smiled and added, "At least you have shoes." Except I didn't have shoes.
I walked home over broken glass and milk, with rabid cats jumping up and trying to claw me the whole time. When I walked in the door, I
asked Teaspoon, "Is there food?"
To my surprise, he said, "No." and then explained, "No man, your imaginary hoe ate all the leftovers. That bitch needs to
go on a diet. And you should know, Terry's in his room hidin' from the rest o' da gang.."
I thought about how that sucked Terry was here, because now I had to kill him. I went to my room, and my imaginary girlfriend was
sitting on the bed, taking up about three fourths of it and ingesting meth. I asked her, "Can I have some of that?"
She replied, "No."
I frowned, "Can we have sex? I just was forced to watch gay porn for twelve hours. I just need to feel straight again."
"I'm too tired." my imaginary girlfriend said before leaving the room and shouting from the hallway, "And I'm hungry, why
don't we have any food?" I was grateful that she left. I love the woman, but she takes up a lot of space on the bed, and hogs the
blankets. I utilized the extra space, curled up with the blankets, and tried to go to sleep. That's when it started. Feeling like a
sudden nosebleed, the thoughts popped into my head, "That guy at Walmart earlier was a douche...swine flu...what if there was a
After that, it was as though my mind jumped out of my head and banged itself against the wall, wounding itself and spewing blood
everywhere. Then proceeded to jump about the room banging itself against things, defying gravity, hitting the walls, the ceiling,
causing itself to bleed out all of my frustrations and sorrows laughing like a madman the whole time it did so. Then it began forming
all of the blood, the frustrations, the annoyances, the sorrows, the anger into shapes as it continued to tear through the room bleeding
all the bad blood away.
The thoughts started. They never close the schools in this area. What if there was a huge pandemic of cow flu, but they refused to shut
down the schools? Five people show up to one class, and one of them is a fairly decent student who didn't do the prep work for a
presentation due that day, and his teacher's number one pet peeve is people who turn in assignments late? And he insists on having class
as normal in spite of the cow flu. Plus, he's a sociopath, so it's like his student's life is in danger.
A blank canvas flashed through my mind as the teacher's entire life begins to fill it. He has family issues, he hates his son because he
has some flaw. And soon, the son represents a sect of society that is shunned, and the teacher represents the society which hates people
for that son's flaw. My mind continued to thrash about and bleed as I imagine a final scene in which the student is about to have to
half ass his presentation, and people come in and inform the teacher that his son has died in an extreme, humorous, way, and the teacher
doesn't care, then the student half asses his project but it's about how society shouldn't shun people for this flaw. The teacher finds
it interesting but still gives it an F for not conforming to the constraints of the project at all.
With my mind still thrashing about the room, banging itself up, laughing and painting this picture with the blood of my frustrations, I
began to fill the blank spots in. Feeling like I was drumming on an imaginary drum set in my mind at super speed, working out the timing
and the intensity of the story as I do. Looping parts of it over and over again until I get it right. My mind adds a character who
arrives late, who should be stupid and yet knows everything about the cow flu, and who, despite having poor grades, is the most
intelligent guy in the room. I begin to add details, chances for the protagonist of the story to escape giving his presentation. He has
a girlfriend, she's the only student in a convicted sex offender's class. Except he has a specific fetish, for blue kolas, which is
fine, except, the protagonist's girlfriend just happens to be wearing a shirt with a blue kola on it. My imaginary girlfriend walks into
the room. She looks pissed.
My imaginary girlfriend stands in the doorway breathing heavily, "You put a one gigabyte video card into our computer?"
I sighed, "Yes..."
"He'll put his eye out." my imaginary girlfriend screamed at me, "He's too young, what the fuck are you thinking?"
"I had a one gigabyte video card when I was his age." I replied, "And I didn't put my eye out." My imaginary
girlfriend then started to scream at me, and at some point I asked, "Could we talk about this tomorrow? I need to sleep." That
just made her scream more, and talk about how I never listen to her. I laid there and waited for her to get tired but for some reason,
she never did. She just stayed up all night nagging at me and nagging at me, until the sun had risen.
Then she said, "Get up and go to work."
"I'm just going to call in sick." I groaned as I buried my face into my pillow.
"No." my imaginary girlfriend screamed, "No, you've used up all your sick days, and you aren't going to miss work and be
fired, because we need the money. We don't even have food right now. You need to go to work and you need to get a promotion so that we
can have food."
I groaned at this because it was the truth, got up and looked at the clock. I had fifteen minutes to shower, eat breakfast, and travel
six miles to work. I thought about that cow flu idea I came up with. I decided I didn't like it. Maybe I'd work it into some other idea
that would be completely unrelated years from now. Before I knew it, I had arrived at work, and five minutes early.
The only problem was that it was Saturday. My imaginary girlfriend had tricked me into going to work on Saturday because she liked to do
that for fun. I forced myself to begin the long walk home after that. On my way there, two thousand marathon runners showed up behind
me, and they all began complaining about how slow I was going. Eventually, one of them shouted, "If he's going to go so slow, let's
just trample him!" Then they did it.
Needless to say, I wound up crawling the rest of my journey home. When I got there, Teaspoon came up to me and said, "Uh, while you
were gone, your imaginary hoe up and left. She said she was takin' all the money from your bank account, and she took the computers with
her." then Teaspoon added, "She's out with Kevin."
Terry chimed in, "I think she's cheating on you with Kevin."
"She would never do that." I replied, and everyone in the room laughed at me except Teaspoon.
Teaspoon shot a glare at everyone else in the room, "Don't laugh at that, man, that ain't funny, that's just sad. Get yourself a
new piece of ass, RP."
I started to crawl to my room as I said, "I'm going to get some sleep first." I managed to crawl into my bed and went to
sleep. I dreampt of being in the house alone. I was sad. Then I heard meowing and looked outside to see that it was my dead cat, Shadow.
I let him in, and we hung out for a bit. Then I heard Teaspoon's voice waking me up, and telling me I had a visitor. I went to the door
to see who it was to find out it was a gorgeous woman.
She asked me, "Are you Redphantom of the clan Xenpsychous?"
I nodded, "Yes."
"I am a succubus." The woman said at once, "I have come here because you impregnated me four months ago. Here is the
proof." the succubus handed me some papers, "Now you are stuck with me and every cent you make will go to me and the child for
the rest of your life."
I rubbed my chin, "My grandfather warned me that this was going to happen one day." A little video played in my head of my
grandfather and I on a boat when I was younger. He told me about the family curse and then jumped into the water. When he emerged, his
fist was inserted into the stomach of a great white shark. He wrestled it aboard, and later, my grandmother took a picture of me and my
grandfather standing next to the shark.
The succubus giggled at my grandfather having warned me about her, "Yeah, that's why they call it a family curse. I guess we have a
few things to discuss." I nodded, and then the succubus asked, "Do you have a room where we can go discuss this?"
I paused for a moment and said, "We could go to the room of Permanent Life Changing Predicaments." I paused and then added,
The succubus raised one of her eyebrows, "You seem to be taking this well."
"I'm too tired too care." I said stoically, "And I do get sex out of this, right?"
"That is one of the perks." the succubus replied.
I smiled, "Cool. Let's go upstairs and talk about how you're going to ruin my entire life."
The succubus shook her head, "Nah, we can talk about how I'm going to ruin your entire life anytime, why don't you go and get some
I thought that was nice of the succubus, while simultaneously feeling a little sick to my stomach, and confused. I said to the
succubus, "No, I'm good."
The succubus gave me a questioning look, "Are you sure? Because you could sleep, and then when you wake up I could make you some
scrambled eggs, biscuits and gravy, hash browns, bacon, and throw in an orange. Then after you are well rested, and you have food in
your stomach, we can talk about how I am going to ruin your entire life and kill all your dreams."
I thought that was nice, but again, it made me feel a little sick to my stomach, and confused. That was my very favorite breakfast meal
that the succubus just offered to make. I pondered that for a moment before saying, "No, I'm good, besides, I don't like big
breakfasts anyway. Let's go talk about how you are going to ruin my entire life and kill all my dreams."
The succubus sighed, "Ok." And then we both went upstairs into the room of Permanent Life Changing Predicaments. The walls
were gray with the paint chipping off, there was a wooden floor, two old torn up chairs, a window, and everything was coated in a lawyer
of dust. I went to sit down in one of the chairs, and the succubus sat in the other. As she did, the floor boards shifted underneath her
chair, tilting it in such a way that she was catapulted instantly out the window. I got up and ran to the window just in time to watch
her hit the ground.
The succubus got up and said, "Nice try, but I didn't have a miscarriage."
"I actually wasn't trying to give you a miscarriage," I replied, "This house is just old and shitty."
"Oh," said the succubus, "Well, now I kind of wish you did give me a miscarriage, because, when you do something without
meaning to, that means you have talent at it. And I think it would be cool if you had talent at killing babies. Then the two of us could
run an abortion clinic. It could be the family business. That would be cool."
I silently agreed with the succubus as a UPS truck pulled up behind her. The delivery man got out of the truck carrying a box. He set it
down, pulled out his clipboard, looked at it and asked, "Did anyone here order a..." he looked at the clipboard, squinted,
raised one of his eyebrows, looked up, and asked in confusion, "bear?" At the moment delivery man said that, the bear claw
burst out of of the box and dragged him in. The box was torn apart as the delivery man struggled to get away from the iron grip of the
bear. The bear took one massive bite out of the delivery man's arm before tossing him aside and running straight for the succubus.
The bear picked up the succubus and held her above it's head. Then it bit into her stomach, tearing it open. The creature searched
through the succubus's womb with it's teeth until it found the developing fetus inside. Then it yanked it out, waved it in the air
several times, and then threw it to the ground before running off.
In the silence after all the chaos, I could hear the newborn child crying. The succubus got up, and said triumphantly, "Ha, the
child lives, you're not free yet." Thirteen crows descended from the sky and pecked out her eyeballs before moving on to the demon
child. Each crow pecking at the child thirteen separate times before moving on. I was slightly proud when after all of that, the infant
was still crying.
The succubus must have been too, because she said, "I still hear the baby crying..." Out of nowhere, a pack of ravenous wolves
came up to the child and ate it. Splitting up the child between them before attacking an elderly woman across the street. The succubus
had an expression of shock on her face, "Did I just hear a pack of ravenous wolves eat my child? Splitting it between themselves?"
She paused, and then said, "I can use my magical demon powers to restore the child." Except, before she could do that, a UFO
crash landed right on top of her.
A twelve year old kid riding his bike up and down the street stopped in front of my house, pointed at the scene of horror and said,
"Ha, ha, you got aborted." Then he went along on his way.
Two aliens popped their heads out of the UFO, turned to the UPS delivery man and asked, "Hey, can you have us air mailed to
Roswell?" It also turned out that one of them had a fetish for bears, so they gladly took it off my hands and paid me for it. I
also decided to spare Terry's life because he inadvertently caused me to do something awesome. I aborted a human, well, half human,
half demon abomination, I aborted it without even thinking about it. I thought about what the succubus had said earlier, she was right,
that meant I had talent at it. Killing babies was my true calling in life.
I decided right then and there, from that moment on, my entire life was to be dedicated to achieving my goal of becoming the best baby
killer I could possibly be. I thought about how awesome it would be to be a doctor. To have a PHD, to have people over for dinner, and
to tell them I was a doctor. Maybe they would say something like, "Oh, it must be so wonderful to be a doctor. Did you pry a coke
bottle out of some woman's vagina? Save a life? Break the news to a child that he has a terminal illness but then explain how it will be
"No, I just killed babies all day," I would say, enjoying my guest's looks of horror before explaining, "I'm an
abortionist. That's what I do, I kill babies all day." Then I would go into the other room and bring out a pot with the lid over
it. I would lift the lid up before exclaiming, "Now for the main course...stew!" And I would be sure the stew was a suspicious
I was so excited about my revelation about my true calling that I went out to the store after that and got some metal coat hangers and
ten gallon buckets. The coat hangers for killing the babies with, and the ten gallon buckets because urine is sterile, and much cheaper
than antibacterial soap. I also bought poster board and some markers which I gave to some five year old kids down the street so that
they could make a sign for Red's Abortion Clinic. I had them do it because I wanted my establishment to be family friendly. I even had
them draw some butterflies on it.
I took a spare room of the house and turned it into my operating room. In the room, to continue the family friendly theme, I put down
some new shag carpeting, a neon blue TV, a coffee table stocked with maternity clothing ads, coloring books, and collections of old
fairy tales. I also put in a bean bag chair. That way, people could sit in it as I kill the fetus growing inside. Then I decided to put
in three bean bag chairs. That way, people could choose the color of the chair their future child died in.
After all of that, I sat down and thought of any problems which could get in the way of my business. I thought of one almost instantly
that many of my close friends have dealt with. The guy wants an abortion but the woman doesn't. That's why I came up with the idea of
"stealth abortions". Your woman and I go to a rave. I hook up with her, and afterwards we go to a hotel. There, I drug her,
and while she is out, I remove the little fucker from her body, throw it in the trash can, and then you are free. Afterwards, I would
also put the woman in a bathtub full of ice with a note, "You got lucky, this time it was only a child, but next time, it could be
a kidney. Don't hook up with strange men at raves and let them serve you drinks. This time, I saved you thousands of dollars. Next time,
it could be a kidney and cost you a similar amount. Don't hook up with strange men at raves."
Then I kept thinking, and I thought, "Why would I have to kill the baby?" What if I took the child out with a stealth
abortion, but instead of killing it, I kept it alive and delivered it gift wrapped to the woman a week later? There's a one million
dollar idea. Get the woman all sad and depressed over the unexpected loss of child, then, just when she's realizing how it is actually a
burden lifted, "Oh, here's your baby." It's perfect. It's the perfect gift for any occasion. Birthdays, wedding anniversaries,
weddings, funerals, Christmas, April Fool's Day, Fourth of July, Thanksgiving, Kwanzaa, Easter, Retirement...the possibilities are
limitless, except, well, it isn't much of a Halloween gift is it? Also, if people paid extra, I'd be willing to dig up their yard,
create a tiny river, and deliver their child to them in the same manner Moses was delivered onto his parents. For a small price, your
child could be born in style, like a prophet.
So, I went on pursuing this goal of mine. Spending most of my money on it, and alienating my friends because that became the only thing
I ever talked about. My entire life became focused on becoming the best abortionist I could possibly be. Eventually, all my friends
abandoned me, and my imaginary girlfriend, too. She left me for Kevin. Plus she sued me because of an incident I won't go into here.
Plus, my abortion business sank like a stone. Yeah, it turns out after the demented shit I did to desperate young women who wanted out
of having a child made the news, people were much less opposed to abortion clinics. It turns out, that, when faced with a choice between
me doing it, and a real doctor doing it in a safe setting, most people choose the doctor realizing that these women were going to get
the abortion either way.
Eventually, I wound up broke sitting on a street corner with no home and no friends. At that moment, I knew that things couldn't
possibly get worse.
That's when the zeppelin landed in front of me.
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