Back to Main
Rejected Rick Strips Scripts
By Redphantom Xenpsychous
I realized today that we have a ton of Rick Strips that I've written that Dustin and I have ultimately decided not to use for one reason or another. For some of them, it's just because they were topical and the topic in question faded, so we nixed. Others we just decided we didn't like. A handful Dustin vetoed. In the first weeks of the comic, I wanted to write tons of scripts and not draw most of them, letting Dustin and Stephen decide which ones to draw. So there were a lot of topical ones. Dustin eventually steered me towards less topical humor, and now most of our comics are written weeks in advance. They are written in chunks, and new comics are written every six weeks. If a comic is not used after that period, it can be months before it goes on the site.
Some of these comic got rejected due to a continuity error, or to make room for others I deemed better. I also included below a comic which had to be retooled because of events in the news. If you spot what it is, you'll know why we had to retool it rather than scrap it. Also, some of these are just plain not funny. So, without further ado, the comics:
Rick talking to school kids.
Rick: Hey kids, make sure that you stay in school and work hard.
A teacher walks in.
Teacher: Hey, are you teaching those kids about cryptids again. Don't be forcing that shit down their throats.
Rick: No man, I'm just telling them to work hard and stay in school.
Teacher: Did you just call me"man". Now you're also teaching them to disrespect teachers. Get out of here, socialist.
A Troll stands on a street next to Rick.
Troll: The economy's getting better.
Rick walks further down the street and sees people looking for work.
Caption: Jobless rate up.
Rick walks further down the street and sees houses with foreclosure signs.
Caption: Foreclosures up.
Rick: Did I miss something?
Rick and a bunch of people dressed up as cryptids stand in front of Barack Obama and Joe Biden.
Rick: These are the cryptids of the world. And they're going to eat twelve babies a day until you do something serious about climate change.
Barack Obama: Are there any TV cameras around?
Joe Biden: No, sir.
Barack Obama: Take them out.
Riot police attack Rick and the people dressed as cryptids.
Rick and John are backstage.
John: I know you're really pro speech and all but, you know, we're performing for the troops here...so...
Rick: So? We can we do that they haven't already seen?
John: Just, tone it down, alright?
Rick and John go onstage to see all the service members have committed suicide or have been shot, a general is shrugging with a smile.
General: Heh, sorry boys, we got a bit of a mental health issue in the armed forces. Does this mean we get a discount?
The Beast of Bodmin kid fights Jimmy, dressed as a monkey on a youtube video.
Rick sits at his computer, watching this, John is in the room waiting for something to print in the printer.
Rick: A new generation of cryptozoologists needs my help!
The Beast of Bodmin kid is on the ground with his ass kicked, Rick stands over him, and Lillian holds a camera.
Rick: How do you like being forced to fight another child for my amusement? No? I thought not. You don't do that. Even I think that's wrong, and I'm Rick, the Cryptozoologist.
Lillian: Come on, you've just got your ass kicked! Sell it!
Caption: This is why animal rights activists no longer send pamphlets to Rick.
Beast of Bodmin Kid talks to Rick.
BOBK: I think we should do a campaign to save Frankenstein.
BOBK: With people's privacy being diminished, soon it will be impossible for someone to secretly revive a corpse in their basement and turn it into a monster.
Rick: That's good...
Rick: ...except that Frankenstein is an eight foot tall ugly ass brute. No one wants to save him.
Rick: Make it that no one can illegally clone their Catahoula Leopard puppies.
Rick is showing John a presentation.
Rick: So, all of America's fears have come together and formed the monstrous pussy, Kunton.
John: Americans aren't timid, Rick.
Rick: Yes they are, come on, we're doing this one.
John: Even if it is true, we can't do it. It will never fly.
John: Americans are just too sensitive to people making fun of them.
John holds a letter in his hand, he is standing by Rick, who is working at his computer.
John: You got a letter from Harry Reid thanking you for your support. What the hell?
Rick: He must be talking about the billboard.
Shows the Harry Reid billboard.
Harry Reid: I swear, Democrats aren't good for Wall Street. If we were, why are they giving more money to Republicans? I just can't do anything to stop them. The Republicans are going to help them.
Back at Rick's house.
Rick: Damn it. I'm going to have to change that billboard again. I don't want to be associated with Harry Reid.
Rick and Cedric have tea.
Cedric: Come now, old boy, do you honestly believe people who read your work will care about the environment? All anyone ever concerns themselves with is profit.
Rick: That's not true, Cedric. Citizens in Florida drew a literal line in the sand with thousands of people in February, 2009 to protest offshore drilling.
Cedric: My dear boy, did you read the article further? One of their primary motivations was that offshore drilling would adversely impact tourism. If you want to satirize something, tie it to purse strings.
Rick talking to a man holding a flier with the Mongolian Death Worm.
Rick: If you think ghosts are good, just imagine all the money you could make if you opened your hotel where people could pay to see a Mongolian Death Worm. Pay extra at four o clock to see a little native child eaten by the Mongolian Death Worm. All you have to do is save the rain forest.
Rick is writing a letter.
Rick: Dear Dick Cheney, I just wanted to let you know that I admire you and that you are my hero...
Rick: I have been trying to convince rational adults that monsters are real for my entire adult life, and most of my childhood. I have spent countless dollars in pursuit of this quest, broken the law, and been to jail...
Rick: But, I have not shown the vigor you have, because I never impersonated a monster publicly, let alone engaged in this activity for decades, and kept up this monster act through such a serious job as public office. Let alone let countless people be tortured, maimed murdered, and disenfranchised countless countries and minorities to America in the pursuit of making people believe monsters are real.
Rick and the General are at a bar.
General: I'm pissed. I don't think Thomas Jefferson would have approved of any of this.
Rick: Article five of the U.S. Constitution.
Rick: It enables the document to be changed, and has a few expiring provisions.
Rick: I think we can safely assume that one of the things the Thomas Jefferson wanted was not wanting us to do exactly what he would.
General: He was just a constitutional scholar anyway, he had no place being president. Just like Obama. Old Tom got us involved in our first police action, too.
A federal agent stands in the entrance to the door to John and Rick's house, the federal agent is holding a letter in his hand, John talks to him, Rick is dressed like Sherlock Holmes with a mischievous look on his face.
Federal Agent: Sir, Tony Hayward, CEO of BP Oil received a threatening letter from this address.
Zoom in on the letter, it reads...
“You've been marked.
You may think you got away with violations of the Clean Water Act and possibly Negligent and Reckless Homicide, despite the fact that you are still on probation because of previous felonies. But you didn't. The Federal government might show mercy, but not...the Platypus of Predators."
Federal Agent turns to the second page of the letter, which displays an image of the Platypus of Predators1 along with text explaining it.
(Heading above the graphic): With humble origins as a bear, the Platypus of Predators has been made into the ultimate killing machine. By aliens.
(Text by arrows pointing to it's stomach): With three wolves nailed to it's stomach, the Platypus of Predators eats you four separate ways.
(Text by arrows pointing to it's shoulders): With an eagle and a hawk tethered to it's shoulders, the Platypus of Predators can fly.
(Text by arrows pointing to it's back): It's swimming and underwater capabilities are granted by the shark hot glue gunned to it's back!
(Text by arrows pointing to it's head): With a beehive glued to it's head to string you and stoke the beast's inner rage.
(Text by arrows pointing to an i-pod which is hooked into the bear's ears): The only weapon he needs is an i-pod containing nothing but death metal...pumping metal constantly.
(Subtitle): Did I mention he eats nothing except PCP, cocaine, and methamphetmines mixed together? And he likes the environment. He's coming to kill you, motherfucker.
John looks mortified, and Rick looks satisfied.
Rick: Ho, ho, you have fallen for my clever trap. Prosecuting me for a"death threat" proves your favoritism for corporations over individuals.
Cedric and BOBK sit at a small table with tea on it, behind them are all sorts of stuffed animals, all labeled, there is the Lock Ness Monster, The Beast of Bodmin, bigfoot, chupacabras, a woman(labeled,"Bitch 1932-1997"), a man with a heroin needle in his arm(labeled,"Offspring 1965-1987"), a Zedonk, and a Wholphin hanging above all of this with harpoon underneath it, Rick is admiring the Wholphin harpoon with tears in his eyes.
BOBK: So, do you have any advice about Cryptozoology?
Cedric: Never christen it"science fiction".
Rick climbs up towards the Wholphin harpoon.
Cedric: Science fiction is just a catch-all term for anything weird, strange, or childish. It's meaningless.
Rick climbs down towards the ground, holding the harpoon in his hands.
Cedric: It shows how our culture disdains science. Science, jolly ho, that's childish. By god, don't ascertain how things work, just keep crafting cheese balls with crackers.
Rick stands on the ground holding the harpoon behind his back in such a way it shows(it's a large harpoon.), he is smiling.
Cedric2: Label your work science fiction, or let it be christened such, and invite the seething hell of being ridiculed for things contained in it which cannot be explained. Cannot be explained. It is as though these science nuts have never read about quantum mechanics.
Contact Geek Force
Redphantom rantings are licensed under the Creative Commons Atttibution-Noncommercial
3.0 United States License.
Click here for more information about this Copyright License.